


this dream isn't feeling sweet

by haetbit



Series: my all and more [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Future Fic, Implied/Referenced Sex, Intercrural Sex, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27537490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haetbit/pseuds/haetbit
Summary: From the way Johnny was moaning Jaehyun’s name right by his ear as he fucked his thighs, it was clear that he knew what he was doing. It was clear that they both wanted this.And Jaehyun has no clue what to do with this knowledge.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: my all and more [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982278
Comments: 5
Kudos: 75





	this dream isn't feeling sweet

**Author's Note:**

> you might need to read breathe (the previous work in this series) to better understand some points but i think it should be fine as a standalone
> 
> title's from lorde's ribs aka the song that always reminds me of johnjae now thanks to that one johnjae edit on twitter

this dream isn’t feeling sweet

  
  


**_Spring 2017_ **

The room was dark, with the night light in between their beds bathing the space around them in a dim warm yellow. It was Jaehyun’s turn with the speaker tonight, so he started his playlist and some track from Frank Ocean’s _Blonde_ album began playing. It was an ordinary night; they didn’t have a live recording for the radio today because they had an event earlier in the evening, so they were having a rare night off. 

Jaehyun turned to his right to look at Johnny, who was lying on his bed that was merely an arm’s length away from his own, engrossed in some web page on his Macbook. He was in his blue checkered pajamas, which a few of the members have laughed at when they first saw it for how cute it seemed for someone like Johnny, his hair was still wet and messy from the shower he just came out of, and the dark circles below his eyes were visible even under the dim lights. But somehow, Jaehyun still felt warmth surging through him from somewhere deep inside, just by looking at him. Maybe the woody scent of his lit candle is messing up his brain. Maybe he’s just too tired. Maybe. 

“What’re you looking at?” 

Johnny’s question startled him out of his reverie, and he felt almost embarrassed about getting caught, but when he looked up, he was met with a dimpled smile that was both similar yet different from his own. 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun answered as he cleared his throat before turning back to face the ceiling. “Was just wondering what hyung was looking at.” 

He heard a soft chuckle, but after waiting for a few moments nothing else came, so he guessed that Johnny wasn’t going to continue this conversation. He was about to get up to fetch some water when Johnny spoke again. 

“This is going to sound weird, but I was looking through my ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page.” 

Jaehyun turned to face him once again, not knowing what to say. This was indeed weird, though he wasn’t sure if it’s for the same reason which Johnny had in mind. They hardly talked about their past relationships, mostly because most of them dedicated so much of their youth to their trainee lives they hadn’t had a chance to really get serious with relationships, but Taeil had told them about his ex-girlfriend once or twice, when the younger members really pestered him about it. Johnny had mentioned in passing that he dated a bit back in the States too, but he never went into detail. So yes, this was weird to Jaehyun. New, and he wasn’t sure how to react. 

Johnny must have taken his silence the wrong way, however, because he was suddenly scrambling to explain himself. 

“No, no, I wasn’t stalking her,” he defended himself hurriedly, even tripping over his words. “I just saw my friend tag her in one of his pictures, and I was curious about how she’s doing these days — okay now that makes me sound like a stalker —” 

Jaehyun laughed, mostly at the flustered expression Johnny was making, and his roommate shut his mouth almost immediately, lips forming a tight, embarrassed smile. “It’s okay, I’m not judging you,” he said in English. The language was beginning to come back to him steadily after spending more time with Johnny these days. 

“So, what did you find?” 

Johnny shrugged at his question, deflating against his headboard now that he was done explaining himself. He talked about how he found out that she went on to university in New York, how she has a new boyfriend now, how they looked happy together. He said all this without a trace of sadness in his voice, though his expression did betray a bit of melancholy. 

“Do you regret it?” Jaehyun asked, a bit cautious. It seemed like a loaded question, especially since he wasn’t referring solely to this particular relationship, and he knew that Johnny understood what he meant. 

A sigh was Johnny’s first response, and Jaehyun found himself nervous as he waited for his reply. Everyone knew that Johnny’s road to his debut with 127 wasn’t the easiest, so he wouldn’t be surprised if he did have regrets, but he wished that he hadn’t. Everyone loved that Johnny could finally join their team and Jaehyun was one of the most excited of them all. Johnny belonged to this team, with them. 

“I don’t think so, no.” 

He had to stop himself from sighing in relief audibly. 

“We all sacrificed a lot to get here, and yeah, it would’ve been cool to go to university too I guess, but...” 

Somewhere in between in their conversation, the playlist had changed, and Jaehyun noticed the song playing in the background: IU’s Through the Night. 

“I’m glad to be here now,” Johnny said at last, in a tone so full of conviction that Jaehyun couldn’t believe otherwise. “With our Jaehyunie~” 

He rolled his eyes jokingly when Johnny reached over to pinch his cheeks, in the way he usually would when he thought Jaehyun was being cute. He got reminded of something suddenly, a word in English, something that Johnny taught him a few days ago. _What was it, ah_ , he recalled it then — 

“Smooth.” 

His reply made Johnny bark out in laughter, and he laughed along too, because that’s how infectious his laugh was. This was why he loved being around Johnny, even when his energy could get a bit tiring sometimes. 

The laughter died down eventually and the conversation lulled, IU’s sweet voice filling the room in its stead. They both seemed to be listening to the song intently, before Johnny broke the silence: “But you haven’t dated anyone proper before, have you?” 

He really hasn’t. He’s had his fair share of crushes and love confessions when he was still in school, some of which he had reciprocated, but none of these relationships lasted very long. He was too young, and so were his ‘partners’. So he shook his head and looked away, feeling slightly awkward about this confession. 

“It’s okay,” Johnny comforted him, even though he didn’t particularly feel like he needed to be comforted. 

“Jaehyunie’s so kind, you’ll definitely find someone you love who also loves you back wholeheartedly.” 

Johnny’s earnest tone made him blush, or perhaps it was the way he was looking at him; that sincere gaze which always made him feel like Johnny was looking right deep into him, like all of him was exposed. Right now, the warmth that he felt before was coming back again, spreading through his chest and filling all the cavities in him that he never knew existed. He couldn’t have Johnny seeing that. So he turned away, sliding off his bed as he informed Johnny that he was going to fetch water from the kitchen. 

His roommate’s cry of _“Aww is our Jaehyunie shy?”_ went ignored.

  
  
**_Present_ **

Jaehyun doesn’t know why he thought of this particular memory from so many years ago suddenly, in this situation no less. In this hotel room that isn’t his, on a queen-sized bed, smelling of alcohol, sex, and vaguely of the woody scent from the perfume Johnny is using lately ( _oh,_ he thinks, _maybe it’s because of this scent_ ). His head is still foggy from the alcohol, or maybe from his orgasm, and he thinks he might need water. The cum and slick on his abdomen is starting to dry up, and a sense of disgust is beginning to wash over him. He wants to get up, but Johnny’s hand is still wrapped around his own which is balled into a fist. He has his face buried in the side of Jaehyun’s body at the moment, hot breath tickling Jaehyun’s bare skin, and Jaehyun can’t see his expression. But he guesses that that’s for the best for now. 

_Do you still think that I’m kind now, hyung?_

“Hyung,” Jaehyun barely manages to croak out, voice apparently hoarse from the moaning and yelling just now, which sends another round of a mix of disgust and embarrassment through him. He tries again, and the words come out right this time. 

“Hyung, I need the bathroom.” 

Johnny lets go of him without a word, and Jaehyun doesn’t look at his face as he gets up from the bed. He notices the redness of his inner thighs first, then the burn when the fabric of his joggers brushes against the area after he shrugs the piece of clothing on. It definitely feels weird to walk when the skin around his inner thighs is so sensitive, but he manages to slide into the bathroom and lock the door behind him. 

He sees how he looks in the mirror then: eyes red and lips swollen, t-shirt wrinkled from being bunched up at the top of his torso since neither of them could be bothered to take it off just now. And underneath that t-shirt, the streaks of dried cum that painted his abdomen. _I need a shower_ , he thinks as he rids himself of the clothing on him, uncaring of the fact that he’ll have to wear them again to get out of this room and return to his own later. He needs the rush of water pouring down on him to organise his thoughts, and he needs to scrub this mess off of himself before he actually feels sick. 

_How did they get here_ , Jaehyun finds this question running through his head again and again, as the water (that is way too cold, but he is far too on edge to be fiddling with shower temperatures right now) pelts down on him in the shower, even when he knows the answer. It’s him. Of course it’s him. It’s his stupid pride acting up after finding out that Johnny hasn’t told him about his decision to not renew his contract with the company — that he’s leaving the team, leaving _him —_ when he’s already told almost half of their team. It’s his stupid belief that after all they’ve been through, after sharing endless secrets together in their small haven from the rest of the world on Johnny’s bed back in their old dorm, he would at least mean _this much_ to Johnny. It’s his darned ego that flared up, making him down cans of alcohol from the mini-bar in his room to try to get the anger to dissipate, before making up his mind and storming towards Johnny’s room to ask for an explanation. 

An explanation that ended with Johnny pressing Jaehyun against the door as they sucked on each other’s tongues, and with Jaehyun’s legs finding their way around Johnny’s waist as they rutted against each other, clothed erections pressed hard together. 

He doesn’t recall much of how it happened. He remembers raising his voice the moment he entered the room, and the shock on Johnny’s face. He might have also grabbed him by the collar, which was probably what led to the kiss. Was Johnny the one who initiated the kiss? It might have been. He was intoxicated too, since they all went for drinks in a famous bar after their concert here ended tonight, though definitely not as gone as Jaehyun was. 

Does it even matter at this point? 

From the way Johnny was moaning Jaehyun’s name right by his ear as he fucked his thighs, it was clear that he knew what he was doing. It was clear that they both wanted this. 

And Jaehyun has no clue what to do with this knowledge. 

He steps out of the shower with a clearer head but also a body that is numb, trembling as he towels himself off and steps into his old clothing. At least the burn along the inside of his thighs is no longer there. He exits the bathroom, only to regret his decision immediately when he feels the air-conditioning blast at him. Johnny is sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed now and his expression guarded, but with a bottle of unopened water in his hands, presumably for him. He doesn’t manage a step closer before Johnny notices him. 

“ _Jesus_ , Jay,” he says in English as he walks towards him. “Did you step into the shower just like that? You’re going to catch a cold.” 

Jaehyun says nothing as he lets Johnny lead him to the sofa, sitting him down and handing him a mug of hot water. He mutters his thanks, though he isn’t sure if he could hear it through the chattering of his teeth. It’s quiet as Jaehyun sips on the water, feeling his body heat coming back to him slowly, and lets Johnny towel his hair dry wordlessly. From this angle that Johnny is kneeling on the sofa next to him, Jaehyun’s face is right in line with his chest, and he feels an impulse to pull Johnny closer by the waist to bury his face in it. But that won't do, not after they just fucked in the midst of an argument, when they are merely bandmates and friends. So Jaehyun clenches his jaw and holds back that urge. 

“Jay,” Johnny calls him then, his hands in his hair slowing to a stop, and Jaehyun has a feeling he knows what’s coming. 

“If you're gonna say sorry I'm leaving this instant.” 

He feels the sofa dip to his right before he notices that Johnny has taken a seat next to him, towel falling to the floor in front of them. He doesn't dare look at his expression, so he focuses on the mug in his hands. The heat is mostly gone now. 

“I _am_ sorry, though,” Johnny says slowly. “For not telling you about my decision earlier.”

The reminder of his departure sends another wave of emotions flooding through him, though this time, sadness and disappointment has replaced the anger. His mind tries to picture the team without Johnny, but he shuts those thoughts down before the tears start to well up again. He gives nothing in reply, even when he feels Johnny’s eyes scan his face, waiting for him to say something. When he doesn't, Johnny turns forward to look at the bed, a visible reminder of what just took place here, and begins speaking again. 

“About what happened just now —”

“I guess that doesn't matter either, since you're leaving anyway.”

That was a low blow, Jaehyun knows. So he isn't surprised when he looks up to find Johnny with an incredulous expression, eyes wide with shock. 

“What? Jaehyun— Me leaving isn't going to change anything.” 

_That’s a lie and we both know it._ He doesn’t say it out loud, but when he looks into Johnny’s eyes he knows that he didn’t need to. There is uncertainty in his eyes, but whether that is about what is happening between them, or about their future, Jaehyun doesn’t know. He doesn’t _want_ to know, not at the moment anyway. He is too tired and overwhelmed with emotions: confusion, betrayal, and newly risen annoyance with how he acted tonight. 

“I’m heading back.” 

He stands up, only to sit back down again when his legs almost give way underneath him. Johnny might be right just now; he does feel a cold coming for him. He shrugs off Johnny’s hand on his back that’s come to steady him, and moves across the room to find his shoes. 

“Jaehyun.”

Johnny’s calls for him are easily ignored, since he doesn’t make a move to stop him physically. As he leaves the room, feeling colder than he was before now that he’s in the hallway, he thinks that he finally understands the warmth that 20-year-old Jaehyun had felt in that small dorm room, where Johnny and he used to wake up to find their feet touching because there was so little space between them. What happened between them tonight didn’t happen out of the blue, not for Jaehyun at least. It all made sense now, all the feelings that rose in him when he looked at Johnny before, the way he felt comforted just by being in his arms. Silly, naive 20-year-old Jaehyun couldn’t have realised it back then. 

**_Johnny-hyung  
_** **_15:21  
_**_Jaehyun  
_ _Please talk to me_

He ignores Johnny’s messages and pointedly stays away from his path on their journey back to Seoul, pretending not to notice the intrigued look Donghyuck throws at the both of them every now and end. They don’t talk, not when they get back to Seoul, when Johnny finalises his decision to leave the company upon the end of his contract. Not at the farewell party either, where all the members were present except for Jaehyun.

**_Johnny-hyung  
_** **_20:14  
_**_Jay  
_ _I’m flying back to America tomorrow_

He doesn’t reply to Johnny's message a week later either, informing him that he’s about to leave Seoul for good. 

Jaehyun packs this belated realisation of his love away with his unwanted belongings back in his old apartment in Seoul, and leaves them all behind when he moves out, along with any remaining traces of Johnny in this place. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this honestly wasn't meant to be this long... i thought of writing it so that the next part from johnny's POV would be less jarring... and it just ended up like this HAAA  
> also yes i don't think john would renew his contract but we'll have to see,,,


End file.
